I had plenty of time to think on the plane ride to NYC and thought I’d start blogging again. It’s been a pretty rough couple of weeks. So, here’s what I wrote on the plane earlier today.
Some people hold it all inside and forget to share the feelings inside or just don’t want to. I think life is too short to keep it inside. That’s the life lesson I have learned these past 2-3 years. What good does it do to not share, good or bad? My mom almost died last year and I thought that was the most difficult and/or life changing thing I had been through. I was wrong! I’ve had some more opportunities since then to wake me up. Life is precious! This is something not only my life experiences but Buddhist faith have taught me. Suffering is part of life and it’s best to learn to deal with it. So I’ve tried to deal. I’ve tried to let suffering change me for the better. I’ve learned to be more thankful for everything that comes my way and the lessons that accompany. I try to find something positive or at least constructive in every experience I have.
The truth is I’m lucky! I met my best friend in high school and she forever changed my life in ways I’m still not sure she knows. I grew up home-schooled in my parents business until I was in 7th grade due to health issues. I was “different.” I was in essence an adult and few understood me. I’d become even more closed off because of this by the time I entered my private high school. I didn’t relate to anyone around me. I’d grown up in a business, I was more busy savvy by seventh grade than most business people I meet today. Frieda just stuck like glue, she couldn’t relate but she didn’t judge and she was able to connect. She still doesn’t understand my many life traumas but she doesn’t have to. She just loves me for who I am and listens. That’s friendship, that’s the real gold in life. Frieda has been there for every shitty moment since I met her, every mistake I made. Still no judgement, just love. I love her back! I’m glad we’ve never fallen apart and hope we never will. In many ways I owe my life to her! She doesn’t know that.
Most don’t know I attempted suicide at 18. Not my finest moment and something I had always kept to myself until recently. I suppose I feared judgement and now I just don’t care. Judge me if you wish. I was a wounded bird who didn’t know how to fly. I had a darkened and broken heart that had shattered to pieces. I didn’t know where to go with the added hurt I was feeling at the time. I was in a town with no friends, in an apartment all alone, left by the guy at the time I thought I would be with forever. It all came tumbling down, years of hurt and loneliness joined by more heartache than I could handle. I took bottle after bottle of pills hoping the pain would leave me, it didn’t. I was whisked to the hospital to spend some of the scariest days of my life in ICU. I lived and all I could ask myself was “shit, now what?” The now what took several years to figure out and a lot more heartache including a broken marriage.
The point of this is not to shock or gain sympathy but to share that sometimes you just don’t know what all a person has gone through, and that you should speak your mind and live your life. I lived a good deal of my life in silence and my healing really didn’t start until three years ago when I started to wake up from my life coma. Life is to short for so much of our “human behavior.” Don’t judge, don’t wait to fix yourself, don’t wait to tell someone how you feel… LIVE!
Living is following your dreams, expressing yourself and dealing with suffering (in a HEALTHY way.) So tell that person how much they mean to you, be there for them, seek to understand, follow your dreams NOW.
I’m living my life the way I want to live it! I’m healing my hurt, helping my parents reach their dreams but reaching mine at the same time, I’m taking the trips I want to, pursuing good health, and learning not to resent, judge or be bitter.
Here are some facts about me:
1. When I care about you I’m THERE FOR YOU
2. I appreciate those that help me and repay how and when I can
3. I have a funky anatomy and I just deal with it, doctor after doctor and surgery after surgery. I don’t want sympathy, I try not to whine and I just want support not judgment or hovering.
4. I work my ass off bc I learned that from my parents and while they did it in an unhealthy way that affected my childhood I respect their work ethic and try to learn from their mistakes.
5. I run my parents company because I didn’t want dad to give up when mom got sick. I believe in his dreams. I want to give people opportunities and a awesome place to work. Don’t think what I do is easy. It’s NOT! Being the BOSS isn’t glamorous by any means. I work HARD! Sometimes I get to play hard, but not all that often.
6. I’m quirky but I’ve learned to like who I am. If you don’t like me, there’s the door. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who question who you are.
7. I’m beautiful! That’s been the hardest lesson I’ve learned. My soul is more important than my body.
8. I’ve learned my body is my temple and I’m figuring out how to balance my mental and physical health. One thing at a time.
9. I’m human, I will slip up but I try hard and I have lessons learned sessions with myself.
10. I love Tim no matter what happens and our relationship is between us, stay out unless I let you in. We both broke our marriage! He’s not the bad guy and he’s the best father Grace could possibly ever have. That fact alone means we succeeded. We love her together.
11. Grace is challenging but is my reason for life. I love her!
12. Frieda saved me when I could no longer breathe. She’s reminded me life goes on and that I’m worthy of life and love. She moved in with me when I lost all hope. She keeps answering the phone and showing up. She’s been more patient with me than anyone, even my parents during my years long healing process. I love you! Thank you for being you! Don’t go anywhere!
13, Sometimes when you think you can never meet another person who understands how broken you’ve been you get a big surprise. I met Elizabeth and was reminded life will surprise you. She doesn’t know my whole story yet and neither do most people reading this but she’s helped heal me. You can stop being broken and there others out there who can relate it just takes time to find them. Thanks for helping me wake up even more and see what I’ve overcome.
14. I’m going to keep being a better me! I’m one tough B!
15. My sense of humor is dark and twisted sometimes. Find humor in all that is sucky! You’ll feel better.
Life can be a brilliant chaotic beautiful mess! Try to find gratitude in every messy moment!
Let yourself be humbled every chance you get. You need it! Be open and raw, it’s much more rewarding than you can imagine. Vent and express but don’t whine! Don’t forget someone else has been through something worse than you. Think about someone who served in the military and sacrificed their life so you could safely sit in that Starbucks line, the traffic light, or at home with the cable out. Gay marriage isn’t going to ruin marriage, straight marriages have ruined marriage. Your religion isn’t better than mine. All bad things serve a purpose even cancer and horrible life threatening illnesses. Honesty IS the best policy. Politics are made up. No one is worthy of hatred OR judgement. Some people just don’t wish to be saved. Life changes, so hang on. Not much is worth being upset over.
Good Quotes…
“Do not wait until all the conditions are perfect for you to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.” -Alan Cohen
“One who conquers himself is greater than another who conquers a thousand times a thousand on the battlefield.” -Buddha
Now for some random thoughts…
Let it go, just let it all go! It’s not worth holding in!
Remember who you are and who you want to be. Dig deeper.
Today gets to be what I want it to be.
Enjoy what you have while you have it, you don’t know when you might lose it.
The arts can heal!
You can almost always be stronger!!
I’m going to try very hard to type this out without crying but I’m not holding out much hope. I mentioned in my first blog how much my friend Elizabeth means to me and how she helped to further the process of change I was going through, but I realize more and more just what she’s doing to my life. I think we often forget we are all the same, sure we all have our unique personalities, but we’re all here to experience the fundamentals of life. We forgot to be compassionate to one another and remember that we really aren’t different. Be born, experience life, die! Does it get any simpler than that? So where am I going with this? Well, sometimes you get surprised and people DO remember this. Elizabeth is someone who has become incredibly close to me and thus very important and it seems everyone in my life sees that. People that know me or are close to me are reaching out to her just because they know how important she is to Grace and I or just because they’re GOOD PEOPLE! You don’t see that as often these days, people willing to do for others just because it’s the right thing to do. Compassion!
Addibug's Life! 