Nutmeg

Saffron

Work Ethic, What’s That?

I have been reflecting on work ethic quite a lot recently, both my own and others. My daughter asks me quite frequently why I work so late and travel so much. My answer to her is always that I would like to ensure she has a very secure future and that I am trying to build a strong company that can provide others with secure futures. While my childhood was crazy and dysfunctional I would be delusional if I said it didn’t have a positive side to it. Thankfully my journey over the years has helped me see that there were actually quite a few positives to my painful messy past. I saw my parents work hard to fulfill a dream, and I believe I learned from their mistakes to do the same but in a healthier way. My parents worked hard, that is for certain. There wasn’t anything they weren’t willing to do. While I have assistants and others that help me get things done, it’s out of necessity due to the shear volume of work, not laziness or entitlement. I think it’s hard for some to see just how hard I do work and what all I do. I juggle a lot in my life and I try to make sure I’m still present for Grace. It’s not easy, but it is a choice I make. You see, I don’t believe in just working hard to benefit myself, I believe in working hard to provide for others. In a way my employees futures are partially my responsibility in that what I do with the company affects them both directly and indirectly. I’m painfully aware that almost every decision I make as the acting CEO, or whatever I am, has a domino  effect, well beyond the walls of the company. I spend a lot of hours thinking through decisions I make, in the shower, in bed, on the plane, in the doctors office, on the way to work… wherever I am I am thinking, strategizing, working. I live and breathe my job, because it’s much more than a job. I’m building futures, and I’m trying to build a company my employees are proud of and part of. See, to me it’s more than what we sell or make. To me I’m feeding families, paying for homes, sending kids to college, making a positive impact on someones life… to me it’s much much more. I don’t think you have to be a policeman, politician, or activist to change the world and make an impact. I think you can do it no matter who you are or what you do.  I realize that I have the power to do things that have a positive domino effect on thousands of people, and sadly a negative one as well. I want people to work for me that have a passion for life, know what they want and go after it with zealousness, but it’s hard to find and I realize that more and more every day. I’m dying to give someone a place where they can flourish, but it’s amazing how few people there are out there that know what they want and are willing to work for it. Maybe us hard workers are a dying breed, but I sure hope not!

I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.

~Thomas Jefferson

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

~Thomas Edison

He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying.

~Friedrich Nietzsche

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

~Will Rogers

Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.

~Chinese Proverb

Goodbye and Good Riddance to 2011

Adios, aabar dekha hobey, goodbye, so long, ciao, aloha, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, ha det bra, tot ziens, viszontlátásra, bless, do widzenia, güle güle , zayt gezunt, arrivederci 2011! 

Hello, welcome, good to see you, hallo, aloha, guten tag, salve, selamat petang, bon jorn, buenos días, tashi delek, kia bo, shalom, bonsoir, yadra, bienvenue, willkommen, bienvenido 2012! 

2011 was a pretty rough year for a lot of people in my life, it came with health issues, wealth issues and general frustrations. So, I say to it “GOODBYE” in many languages, and I welcome 2012. I firmly believe a lot of good things will come in 2012! Life is certainly not perfect and every year will certainly have it’s ups and downs, that is just life. I think the true lesson and message here is to learn to make the best of both the ups and the downs as they will always come.  Mark Sanborn is an author of leadership books and a recent newsletter/email of his really said it well.

Amazingly Accurate Predictions for 2012This is the time of year when many make predictions about the future. I’ve been thinking about what is ahead for all of us and am confident in predicting these things for the coming year:

Amazement.

Challenges.

Happiness.

Shock.

Blessings.

Set backs.

Victories.

Disappointment.

Joy.

Suffering.

What I can’t accurately predict is when these things will happen nor the amount of each we will experience.

This is the stuff of life regardless of where we live or what we do. It is all part of the human condition yet we often act surprised when we have these experiences.

When we are enjoying victory it is difficult to remember the times of defeat. When we are suffering, joy seems elusive. Yet we have all experience these things in varying proportion.
Sometimes the tough times seem unduly prolonged and yet we never think that the good times go on too long.
We choose each day what we focus on, emphasize, remember and learn. We choose what we do and how we respond to what happens. These are critically important choices and the freedom we have in a world where forces beyond our control often affect us in dramatic ways.

At the end of the year we give others our good wishes. One of the best wishes any of us can extend is that of good choices. Circumstances and others can influence those choices, but ultimately they are up to us.
So at the end of 2011 I wish for you the very best choices for the coming year.

I also think the Buddhist faith tries to show you the way to true happiness and encourages you to embrace suffering and “bad times.” So, in 2012 what I really hope for is that I learn to deal with the negative in a more positive way. I will learn to keep calm, meditate more and control my reactions to things. I’m a blessed and fortunate person! I have a roof over my head, awesome car, loving daughter, supportive parents, the best father for my child I could hope for, career, amazing friends who understand me, great neighbors, and after many many surgeries this year I’m pain free and healthier.

I commit myself to helping myself make 2012 better, as it’s in my control!

May I always remember my values:

• Serenity
• Health
• Stability
• Passion
• Respect
• Unity
• Integrity

Happy New Year Friends, I wish you all a serene 2012!

Mall Buddhist?

Someone said over the holidays “she is more like a mall Buddhist,” which I have reflected upon since then. Why you ask? Well, it’s not that it matters what other people think but it does matter what I think. I chose to reflect on the comment and ask myself what was really being said, and what I myself thought. One can take things as judgement or one can ask themselves if they are honestly projecting who they are on the inside. This is something Wayne Dyer discusses in his books. So what is mall Buddhism and am I subscribing to this religion. Well, I can tell you I do much more than just wear the t-shirt, though I may not discuss it with others. For me my journey into Buddhism has been a private one and one I have taken my time with. For the longest time I didn’t even claim it as a religion and I’m not even sure how I feel about doing so now. I’ve always kind of felt it is more a philosophy than a religion. Religion has always been a funny thing for me especially since I felt Catholicism was pushed on me as kid until I drowned in it, while at the same time it seemed superficial and meaningless. Maybe my words are making sense but hydrocodone and recovery from surgery can have that effect. For me Buddhism has been a transformational journey and jumping point, something I was always interested in but felt judged for being curious about. So, maybe I do take some offense to the “mall Buddhist” comment. Do I follow rituals? No. Do I know everything there is to know? No. Do I go to a temple? No. Do most “Christians” do most of these things? No!

Here is what I do know, and something I stumbled upon online:

One is a Buddhist if he or she accepts the following four truths:

All compounded things are impermanent.
All emotions are pain.
All things have no inherent existence.
Nirvana is beyond concepts.

I try to remind myself of these daily. I learn more daily. I believe in what the Dalai Lama says “My religion is Kindness.” So am I a textbook Buddhist? No. I do however read a lot, learn as much as I have time for, follow the fundamentals, and look up to the Dalai Lama more than any other leader. I have listened to a lot of audio books written by him, watched documentaries on him, and find him to be incredibly wise. Life is simple, and the fundamentals of Buddhism even simpler, and I’ve learned that through his words. You don’t need to follow complicated rituals or attend a temple to follow the fundamentals of Buddhism. In fact I think my journey into Buddhism has already made me a calmer, happier and more loving individual, even though I am self admittedly still flawed. I am after all HUMAN. I think it’s hard when people have known the old you and only see the new you from a distance.

My Grinchy Heart is Glowing!

I’m going to try very hard to type this out without crying but I’m not holding out much hope. I mentioned in my first blog how much my friend Elizabeth means to me and how she helped to further the process of change I was going through, but I realize more and more just what she’s doing to my life. I think we often forget we are all the same, sure we all have our unique personalities, but we’re all here to experience the fundamentals of life. We forgot to be compassionate to one another and remember that we really aren’t different. Be born, experience life, die! Does it get any simpler than that? So where am I going with this? Well, sometimes you get surprised and people DO remember this. Elizabeth is someone who has become incredibly close to me and thus very important and it seems everyone in my life sees that. People that know me or are close to me are reaching out to her just because they know how important she is to Grace and I or just because they’re GOOD PEOPLE! You don’t see that as often these days, people willing to do for others just because it’s the right thing to do. Compassion!

Life is amazing me more and more. All the strands of my life are weaving together, lessons are everywhere. My faith in humanity is strengthening, my heart is glowing again. I feel love all around me, something I had given up on years ago after Tim and I fell apart. So, thank you everyone, thank you cancer. There is good in everything. I know y’all may think that’s a strange statement, but tough times really do show people’s true colors. So, yes, thank you cancer! I said it last year when my mom was sick too. Be grateful for everything!

Domesticity

So I joke a lot about my lack of domesticity, but honestly I have the skills, I just chose not to use them. I don’t think I’m too good to cook, clean etc. I just would rather spend my time doing other things. I can cook and in fact when I really spend time doing it I’m a great cook. Considering what I do for a living I better know at least the basics. I know great food, and great food takes a lot of time to prepare and cook. Time is something I don’t have a lot of and when I do have it I’d rather be spending it relaxing because my life is chocked full of stress. So, I’m happy to know people that love to cook and are good at it and I’m glad I love dining out. Sadly sometimes I get tortured with culinary travesties like our trip to Cracker Barrel today. My taste buds are STILL crying.

In short, I can be Martha Stewart when I want to, I just don’t want to.

Magical Mess

Life is indeed a magical mess. It’s hard to navigate, especially with children. Children add such a different dimension to life. It’s something that in essence you have to “deal with.” I know that sounds horrible but it’s true. They are messy little creatures in more sense than one. They make dinner much much more complex than it was before. Messes, clanking, noise, food choices, tactics on keeping them quiet and so on. So how does one adjust? Slowly, and continuously. It does not in fact happen when they are born. I am still adjusting.

New York, New York

New York is a special place for me. It’s a place I dreamed of as a kid. It’s a place where I can explore and think. To me New York exemplifies self expression, independence, freedom, adversity and diversity.

Imagine waking up to the Statue of Liberty outside of your window in the morning. A monumental reminder of all those who sought freedom. Imagine how you would feel and what you would think. For me it was a timely view. Waking up to this the night after blogging about my current journeys was perfectly fitting.

Grace and I got up, got ready and were ready to venture out when I got a call from someone I was to meet with for work on this trip. One of the owners of the company passed away last night. Again I was reminded to live life to its fullest. Life is short and precious.

Grace and I now get to spend the entirety of this trip being mom and daughter. Exhausting, yes, but very rewarding. It’s been priceless seeing her enjoy such a large city without fear. I shall continue to work on my patience.

So much has happened already on this trip. NYC is amazing place! Buying hats from street vendors, a carriage ride in Central Park, FAO Shwarz, Indian food, near death cab rides, scantily clad women, food from a cart, the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center (an experience NEVER to be repeated)… it’s all so NEW YORK. I’m so happy I brought Grace along to see all of this at such a young age. I hope she learns to accept people for who they are and life for what it is. Life is random and so sometimes you have to be too.

Back to Blogging

I had plenty of time to think on the plane ride to NYC and thought I’d start blogging again. It’s been a pretty rough couple of weeks. So, here’s what I wrote on the plane earlier today.

Some people hold it all inside and forget to share the feelings inside or just don’t want to. I think life is too short to keep it inside. That’s the life lesson I have learned these past 2-3 years. What good does it do to not share, good or bad? My mom almost died last year and I thought that was the most difficult and/or life changing thing I had been through. I was wrong! I’ve had some more opportunities since then to wake me up. Life is precious! This is something not only my life experiences but Buddhist faith have taught me. Suffering is part of life and it’s best to learn to deal with it. So I’ve tried to deal. I’ve tried to let suffering change me for the better. I’ve learned to be more thankful for everything that comes my way and the lessons that accompany. I try to find something positive or at least constructive in every experience I have.

The truth is I’m lucky! I met my best friend in high school and she forever changed my life in ways I’m still not sure she knows. I grew up home-schooled in my parents business until I was in 7th grade due to health issues. I was “different.” I was in essence an adult and few understood me. I’d become even more closed off because of this by the time I entered my private high school. I didn’t relate to anyone around me. I’d grown up in a business, I was more busy savvy by seventh grade than most business people I meet today. Frieda just stuck like glue, she couldn’t relate but she didn’t judge and she was able to connect. She still doesn’t understand my many life traumas but she doesn’t have to. She just loves me for who I am and listens. That’s friendship, that’s the real gold in life. Frieda has been there for every shitty moment since I met her, every mistake I made. Still no judgement, just love. I love her back! I’m glad we’ve never fallen apart and hope we never will. In many ways I owe my life to her! She doesn’t know that.

Most don’t know I attempted suicide at 18. Not my finest moment and something I had always kept to myself until recently. I suppose I feared judgement and now I just don’t care. Judge me if you wish. I was a wounded bird who didn’t know how to fly. I had a darkened and broken heart that had shattered to pieces. I didn’t know where to go with the added hurt I was feeling at the time. I was in a town with no friends, in an apartment all alone, left by the guy at the time I thought I would be with forever. It all came tumbling down, years of hurt and loneliness joined by more heartache than I could handle. I took bottle after bottle of pills hoping the pain would leave me, it didn’t. I was whisked to the hospital to spend some of the scariest days of my life in ICU. I lived and all I could ask myself was “shit, now what?” The now what took several years to figure out and a lot more heartache including a broken marriage.

The point of this is not to shock or gain sympathy but to share that sometimes you just don’t know what all a person has gone through, and that you should speak your mind and live your life. I lived a good deal of my life in silence and my healing really didn’t start until three years ago when I started to wake up from my life coma. Life is to short for so much of our “human behavior.” Don’t judge, don’t wait to fix yourself, don’t wait to tell someone how you feel… LIVE!

Living is following your dreams, expressing yourself and dealing with suffering (in a HEALTHY way.) So tell that person how much they mean to you, be there for them, seek to understand, follow your dreams NOW.

I’m living my life the way I want to live it! I’m healing my hurt, helping my parents reach their dreams but reaching mine at the same time, I’m taking the trips I want to, pursuing good health, and learning not to resent, judge or be bitter.

Here are some facts about me:

1. When I care about you I’m THERE FOR YOU
2. I appreciate those that help me and repay how and when I can
3. I have a funky anatomy and I just deal with it, doctor after doctor and surgery after surgery. I don’t want sympathy, I try not to whine and I just want support not judgment or hovering.
4. I work my ass off bc I learned that from my parents and while they did it in an unhealthy way that affected my childhood I respect their work ethic and try to learn from their mistakes.
5. I run my parents company because I didn’t want dad to give up when mom got sick. I believe in his dreams. I want to give people opportunities and a awesome place to work. Don’t think what I do is easy. It’s NOT! Being the BOSS isn’t glamorous by any means. I work HARD! Sometimes I get to play hard, but not all that often.
6. I’m quirky but I’ve learned to like who I am. If you don’t like me, there’s the door. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who question who you are.
7. I’m beautiful! That’s been the hardest lesson I’ve learned. My soul is more important than my body.
8. I’ve learned my body is my temple and I’m figuring out how to balance my mental and physical health. One thing at a time.
9. I’m human, I will slip up but I try hard and I have lessons learned sessions with myself.
10. I love Tim no matter what happens and our relationship is between us, stay out unless I let you in. We both broke our marriage! He’s not the bad guy and he’s the best father Grace could possibly ever have. That fact alone means we succeeded. We love her together.
11. Grace is challenging but is my reason for life. I love her!
12. Frieda saved me when I could no longer breathe. She’s reminded me life goes on and that I’m worthy of life and love. She moved in with me when I lost all hope. She keeps answering the phone and showing up. She’s been more patient with me than anyone, even my parents during my years long healing process. I love you! Thank you for being you! Don’t go anywhere!
13, Sometimes when you think you can never meet another person who understands how broken you’ve been you get a big surprise. I met Elizabeth and was reminded life will surprise you. She doesn’t know my whole story yet and neither do most people reading this but she’s helped heal me. You can stop being broken and there others out there who can relate it just takes time to find them. Thanks for helping me wake up even more and see what I’ve overcome.
14. I’m going to keep being a better me! I’m one tough B!
15. My sense of humor is dark and twisted sometimes. Find humor in all that is sucky! You’ll feel better.

Life can be a brilliant chaotic beautiful mess! Try to find gratitude in every messy moment!

Let yourself be humbled every chance you get. You need it! Be open and raw, it’s much more rewarding than you can imagine. Vent and express but don’t whine! Don’t forget someone else has been through something worse than you. Think about someone who served in the military and sacrificed their life so you could safely sit in that Starbucks line, the traffic light, or at home with the cable out. Gay marriage isn’t going to ruin marriage, straight marriages have ruined marriage. Your religion isn’t better than mine. All bad things serve a purpose even cancer and horrible life threatening illnesses. Honesty IS the best policy. Politics are made up. No one is worthy of hatred OR judgement. Some people just don’t wish to be saved. Life changes, so hang on. Not much is worth being upset over.

Good Quotes…

“Do not wait until all the conditions are perfect for you to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.” -Alan Cohen

“One who conquers himself is greater than another who conquers a thousand times a thousand on the battlefield.” -Buddha

Now for some random thoughts…

Let it go, just let it all go! It’s not worth holding in!

Remember who you are and who you want to be. Dig deeper.

Today gets to be what I want it to be.

Enjoy what you have while you have it, you don’t know when you might lose it.

The arts can heal!

You can almost always be stronger!!